What does it even mean to live your best life, and how do you know when you’re out of sync and need a refresh?
The answer to this is different for everyone. How I define my best life is likely different than my husband, my closest friend, or my (adult) children – and it should be. Just like everyone is unique in looks and chemical and biological make-up, everyone’s beliefs, hopes, dreams, and desires are unique. I think living your best life is tied to living a value-centered life. Before this can be done, you need to identify what your most important values in life are.
I read a book last year that used an interesting metaphor that has stuck with me. In James Patterson’s Suzanne’s Diary For Nicholas, he writes:
“Imagine life is a game in which you are juggling five balls. The balls are called work, family, health, friends, and integrity. And you’re keeping all of them in the air. But one day, you finally come to understand that work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back. The other four balls… are made of glass. If you drop one of these, it will be irrevocably scuffed, nicked, perhaps even shattered.”
We may have different labels for our metaphoric juggling balls, but the concept is the same. What balls are you juggling? How many balls are there? Are they all made of glass? Are they all made of rubber? How many are glass… how many are rubber? To explore this further, let’s say that the metaphorical balls here are our values. Values have major influence on a person’s behavior and attitude and serve as broad guidelines in all situations. Your values are things that you believe are important in the way you live and work. They also should determine your priorities, and deep down, they likely help determine if you’re life is turning out the way you want it to.
I recently spent some time reflecting on this concept deeper, with a purpose to refresh my thinking and renovate my priorities to get back to a value led mind-set. This meant personal meditation, as well as practical research and readings to learn more about how to recognize when I’m not living a value-centered life.
Here are a few insights that I discovered on how you might tell if you are out of sync with your values:
Trouble Making Decisions
Once you’ve gathered enough information, trouble making decisions typically boil down to one of two things: you care too much about someone else’s opinion, or you’re not clear on what ‘right’ looks like for you so you get stuck trying to figure out the ‘right’ choice.
Regardless the subject (career direction, what to do on a Friday night, where to take a vacation, etc.), if you know what’s important to you based on your own personal values, then choose based on that. No matter what the choice, if you know what’s important to you in your life, then decide based on the outcome that best fits being able to express what matters most to you. If you have trouble doing this because you’re worried that others will disapprove, then you need to be aware of the futility of that. You can never make someone else happy – only they can decide how to feel. But you can definitely make yourself unhappy – by choosing to live your life based on how others react to you!
Personally, I think nothing is more attractive than a passionate person living a life based on their own heart. They are far more likely to make people happy when they are happily following their own path rather than trying to make others feel better by squashing what they truly are.
A motto I’ve lived by (or try to live by…sometimes I forget), and one that I’ve instilled into both of my adult children: STAY TRUE TO YOURSELF. When you’re not staying true to yourself, you’re likely not living a value-centered life.
“When your values become clear, making decisions become easier” ~ Roy E. Disney
You Feel Flat, Low, and Unmotivated
This one seems obvious when you think about it, but sometimes we get in our own way and don’t realize the why behind that feeling of ‘blah’. But think about it… Why do you feel that way? It just might be because you’re not engaged in something that matters to YOU. When you’re living a value-centered life, you feel alive, energized and motivated. If you’re feeling flat and unmotivated, you just need to go back and start doing some of the things that matter to you. When you do those things, you will get your energy and enthusiasm back!
You Never Reach Your Goals or You Reach Your Goals and They’re Not Satisfying.
Goal setting can be (and may some day be) a completely different blog post because it’s a big one for me. I like to believe I’m a big goal setter – and I actually am. But one thing I’ve come to realize is that I really need to understand WHY I’m setting the goal(s) in the first place. If the goal you are setting is not aligned to your values, then you will once again feel flat, low and unmotivated. The outcome… not reaching the goal.
When setting your goals, make sure they are aligned with something that is strongly personal to you, not someone else. I’ve spent the past decade successfully working up the ladder in my career. At the time I thought it was what was important to me – but I’ve come to realize that I did it to prove to others things that were more superficial, versus doing it because I truly enjoyed it and was energized by it. This doesn’t mean that I wasn’t proud at what I had achieved, it just meant when I got there I was not able to recognize why I wanted it so bad. It lacked meaning and impact on my personal values. Recently refreshing my mind-set to ‘go back to my roots’ and back to what I really enjoy, has reignited a spark in me that I thought was gone forever – and has made me even better in the process. My goal now: to be the best at what really matters to me. The lesson – make sure you ask yourself WHY you’re setting the goal, otherwise in the end you may feel a loss instead of an achievement.
You Feel Like No-one Understands You/You’re Feeling Disconnected From Your True Self
Others won’t get you if you don’t talk about what matters to you or don’t act on what matters to you. Not living your authentic self makes it through talk and action, make it pretty hard for people to get you and you’ll feel disconnected from who you are. You may think you’ve done this with a ‘good’ reason: fearing criticism when you speak up about who you are and what you want (NEWS FLASH… this is NOT a good reason!). You’re not here to make other people happy, and they’re not here to make you happy… remember the first point above about decision making?
Relationships are much more satisfying if you can free yourself from the attempt to avoid upsetting other people. Your friends, family, and colleagues are separate entities from you, and they are the ones in charge of their own feelings. But this applies to you as well. If you stop changing to try and make them happy, then they may do the same for you. When you’re free to be yourself and give others the permission to do the same, you’ll find you’re actually a nicer person to be around. When you’ve given time and a voice to yourself, you stop moping/worrying/feeling resentful and can actually fully be there for your loved ones when they need you. In the long run, being true to yourself and your values will lead to more happiness, than trying to control yourself to avoid upsetting others.
“I have learned that as long as I hold fast to my beliefs and values – and follow my own moral compass – then the only expectations I have to live up to are my own. ~Michelle Obama